Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
