I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
