wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
