wake up i wanna do it froggy style
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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