I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
