I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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