She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
