She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
