The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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