my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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