i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
