I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
