Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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