We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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