Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
