i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
