Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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