Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
