Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
