im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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