Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
