Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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