so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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