i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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