I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
