Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she peed on how many people?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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