2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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