thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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