dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just found puke in my bra..
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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