I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
