So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
