P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
