you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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