this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
