just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
