That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
