She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
