just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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