Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
