Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
