when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
