I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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