I haven't been this sober since birth.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
