I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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