Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
