2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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