Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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