I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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