theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
