what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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