so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
